Such is Life

I have been sitting here, staring at this blank white page. Wondering where I stepped on that big crack in life, the one that breaks your back.

Have you seen the show the Ten Commandment? Your know the part when Moses comes down the hill after seeing God and getting the Commandments. He's pretty mad at all the people below and how they are behaving? Following me so far??

Okay, he throws the Commandments, the earth opens up and people start falling in. Some are just hanging on to the edge, and you are thinking, shit that is not good. The fire and steam are coming up and people are screaming, and holding on for their lives...

My life is similar to that everyday..

Nobody knows

Sitting in front of the fireplace on the floor with my laptop. I promised myself I would write tonight, instead of catching up on Oprah and Dr. Phil on the DVR.
Trying to keep it together. Divorce truly would not be so difficult if you did not have a child.
I try to keep a normal family life for my son, by having his dad come over.

They play and read books. They sit in the big brown leather chair together, not really well, the chair is not big enough for both of them, but it doesn't seem to matter. His Dad gets him a snack and he digs around in the fridge, complaining I don't have any Caffeine Free Diet Coke.
I never drank it, he did and feels I need to have some for him.
He had dinner with us last night. Hopefully these things allow my son to feel he has a family.
It is so hard to do.

He reads my day planner, it sits open on the kitchen counter. He lets me know when his meetings are, which Saturdays he works, when he will be out of town.
He tells me about the functions and parties he is going to. He wants to make sure I don't have anything going on so I can watch our son.
The functions and parties I use to go to.
I am no longer welcome.
This has been the most difficult thing to get over, the social functions, drinks on the deck with our friends..his friends.
He is the Executive, the man of the town, volunteer, on the Hospital Board,and many different committees. He is the one that gets to go. He is the chosen one. How could any one divorce such a great guy they all say.

No more BBQ's, beers, and desserts on the patio sitting in the lawn chair. No more roasting marshmallows for my son. No more playing with all the kids.
People are judgemental, and it is so painful.
So lonely. I suffer each and everyday questioning the decision to divorce.
I wonder sometimes if this pain, lonely pain of being left behind, is better than the sadness I had in the marriage. I wonder if he feels like the words in the song, I'm missing you, Are his nights sad? Does he know the mistakes he made?
I swallow the lump in my throat, and smile at the two of them fighting with swords in the living room. Our son is laughing, he is defeating his dad.
At least I can give him that.
When I put him to bed, he cries for his dad,
And I cry for my son.

A Need

Wow, its Sept. already. I feel bad for not writing more. I enjoy writing and think all the time about writing a book.
I feel the need to tell people something. How to stop doing the wrong things in life. How to treat people correctly. How to make someone feel like they have worth. To teach people to do their best.

How to play the "game" at work because it's the only way to make it. Even if its not in your heart to be that way, I have learned you have to push that aside.
I would love to travel around, go to businesses and teach them how to treat their customers better. I want to teach waiters and waitresses, what the customers really want from you.
I feel the need to be a guide, a teacher.
I would like to change things for the better.

I want to begin, I want more time to do this. It makes me feel good.
But..I need an income, health insurance, 401K.
So I will keep going there, to that place where they treat people like nobody. They have no empathy. How do they sleep at night...

Bad luck sand

"You better not take that" my mom said, "Its bad luck."
"Yeah, whatever Mom you are so superstitious! I said as I filled a huge Ziploc bag with black sand from Hawaii.
I was 22 or 23. Thought I knew it all.
The legend is that if you take Black Sand from the beach in Hawaii the Gods of the Hawaiian people will bestow bad luck on you until you return it. Whatever..

Now trust me when I tell you this. She was right! No, she was fucking RIGHT!
I have had bad luck for the last 21 years. Sure I can blame everything that happens to me on the damn black sand. Let me tell you, my parents remind me all the time that everything that is bad or unlucky is because of the sand.

Just in the last few days, the basement began to flood when it rains. I climbed on the extension ladder to clean the gutters and god only knows what the hell happened but it decided to not be extended and came sliding down and ripped my thumb practically off. I had to go to the E.R and get stitches. The dog got sick, my son got strep throat and missed his 1st day of school. Last night it stormed again and the tree in my yard split down the middle and half of it landed in the neighbors yard ripping out their electrical service.

Ha, you laugh and think that's not so bad.

Let me go back a few years.
When we were leaving Hawaii with my precious sand in my suitcase something happened to the plane and just when we were about to lift off, we didn't and almost ran out of runway. I remember my mom looking over at me across the isle in the plane. She had that I told you so look.

My brother was stabbed 3 times in his home in Phoenix. They were trying to rob him. He almost didn't survive. After a long recovery, he was on his bike and a car hit him and left him for dead in a ditch. He now has a brain injury will never be the brother we all knew.

My dad sold the family business that I worked at for 22 years, leaving me jobless and pissed off.
I did not go to college of course because "Someday this business will all be yours" Well he changed his plans.

Okay, so maybe to you its not so bad. Could be lots worse. That's what your thinking. Isn't it?
Trust me if you ever go to Hawaii, DO NOT bring home the black sand.

Sure I could take it back, but security at the airport could take it, or the plane might crash if they let me on with it.
I could send it back through the mail, but would you really depend on the Postal Service? What if they lost it. Bad luck forever!
If I put my trust in them and it arrives in Hawaii, how do I really know that the person who opens the box actually will take it to the beach and pour it out.

A little advice okay?
Listen to your mother, because you know in the end she will be right....

Winners and Losers

My great friend posted this song on his blog.
Having a tough time in my life choices now and the words are exactally what I am feeling.

P.S. Hes' a great writer and I believe in him.
Go for it!

Occasional Affirmation

Painting the pump on the outside

doesn't change

the polluted water

inside the well.

What is down in the well

will come up in the bucket.

A little help here??

Do me a favor would you? Go outside and see if there is a bush in front of either your electric, gas, or water meter..I'll wait, go ahead.
Your back..you couldn't find your meters?
Well, that's because you probably have a god damn rose bush or evergreen in front of it.

Have you ever heard someone say "Well, someone has to be a garbage man?" When people who have not attended college are in mixed company with "The college graduate."

Well, someone has to be a meter reader! So if you don't mind, pull the vine off the meter, trim the bush back and for gods sake get rid of the rose bushes. It would make my hot miserable day much better.
Nobody plants a rosebush in front of a mailbox so you can't open it, do they??

Department of Utilities Meter Readers all over the world thank you!
Have a happy humid day!