Nobody knows

Sitting in front of the fireplace on the floor with my laptop. I promised myself I would write tonight, instead of catching up on Oprah and Dr. Phil on the DVR.
Trying to keep it together. Divorce truly would not be so difficult if you did not have a child.
I try to keep a normal family life for my son, by having his dad come over.

They play and read books. They sit in the big brown leather chair together, not really well, the chair is not big enough for both of them, but it doesn't seem to matter. His Dad gets him a snack and he digs around in the fridge, complaining I don't have any Caffeine Free Diet Coke.
I never drank it, he did and feels I need to have some for him.
He had dinner with us last night. Hopefully these things allow my son to feel he has a family.
It is so hard to do.

He reads my day planner, it sits open on the kitchen counter. He lets me know when his meetings are, which Saturdays he works, when he will be out of town.
He tells me about the functions and parties he is going to. He wants to make sure I don't have anything going on so I can watch our son.
The functions and parties I use to go to.
I am no longer welcome.
This has been the most difficult thing to get over, the social functions, drinks on the deck with our friends..his friends.
He is the Executive, the man of the town, volunteer, on the Hospital Board,and many different committees. He is the one that gets to go. He is the chosen one. How could any one divorce such a great guy they all say.

No more BBQ's, beers, and desserts on the patio sitting in the lawn chair. No more roasting marshmallows for my son. No more playing with all the kids.
People are judgemental, and it is so painful.
So lonely. I suffer each and everyday questioning the decision to divorce.
I wonder sometimes if this pain, lonely pain of being left behind, is better than the sadness I had in the marriage. I wonder if he feels like the words in the song, I'm missing you, Are his nights sad? Does he know the mistakes he made?
I swallow the lump in my throat, and smile at the two of them fighting with swords in the living room. Our son is laughing, he is defeating his dad.
At least I can give him that.
When I put him to bed, he cries for his dad,
And I cry for my son.