All I want for Christmas..

All I know is I hope I make the finals in the try outs for the movie "Survivor". Then I have a chance to be the "Survivor", win a million dollars, gather lots of people together, tell them they are all assholes and why, (except Julie) and get on a plane and move to Belize.

The End.

Untitled

Sometimes you end up, right where your suppose to be.

Wish the Grinch would steal Christmas!

Well Christmas break has arrived for my son. Day 1 about 5 hours into getting to stay at home. "I'm bored, there's nothing to do." "Can I open a present?" "Will you get me something to eat?"

I don't like Christmas. All the crap that goes with it. You know, everybody tries to sell it as such a wonderful time of the year. I asked my mom to take my son shopping, so I give them 100 bucks and my list. She calls every 5 minutes, "Did you want that book in hard cover?"
"Yes"
"You want a candle?"
"Yes it's on my list"
"Are you sure you want that kind?"
"Yes"
"I can't find that book in hard cover, are you sure you want hard cover?"
"Yes, if you can't find it, don't worry about it"
"Well, I'm not running all over town to find it in hard cover!"
"Fine, just forget the fucking book, Mom!"
"If your going to act like that, I'm not taking him next year!

And it goes like that.

I can't remember the last time I got a gift that I didn't buy for myself.
Oh, I know its not about the gifts.

It's about all the fucking joy. HO Ho Ho
I know you know what I mean.

The Brave One

Identity Parade

A#3, I wonder what happened to you
Big boys talk about it, waa waa,
what would Jesus do? not what you did..
you set an example, way to go!

(00000) Thanks for the present,
guess I learned you like to re-gift.
Have you gone to customer service yet?
You should get in line for some help,
because you need it! How do you spell...
denial?

How's the lucky couple CP30? Heard she is
pregnant already. Keep up whatever your
doing because Buddy Boy dislikes you
more each day. You are in control!

Oh 007, you never wear a mask and I
always know what you look like.
Near or far, only 2 years left.
When I see you, do not move!

Wanda, pickleman and I think your
wonderful and full of electricity!
I like your friend Davey!

Black and White, I miss our talks,
you know so much, tell the lady with
the flame that I said "Hello!"

Sk871, I'm sorry about your mistake.
You just didn't know what to do,
Please use the dictionary, so you know
people comes before stuff.

BgOJk, your new here, so your
off the hook this time, sorta,
Last time I looked..dinner was
less expensive than an x-box.

Chapp, thanks for coming, because
your the best, here's what you get..
to be continued...

DEd I miss my guide, I can't find my
way without him. Nothing better than
a good verb. I trust that one day
you will disperse the green backs
just so.

To you...

So sweet the warmth

You feel like a breeze from heaven
you've reached and grabbed my soul,
all the beauty in your love combined
shines down and makes me glow.

I'm drowning in the bliss
of your everlasting love,
kisses sent on laughter's wings
which came from up above.

Moments shared in ecstasy
the flame of my desire,
how lucky I must be
you set my heart on fire.

A boy and his mom

I love this picture! This is my son Reed and I at a Nebraska football game. He is the light of my life! He is with his Dad this weekend. I like/dislike when he's gone. Like-that I have time to be with friends and those important to me in my life, but Dislike-that I miss out on 3 days of what he is doing.

But he's having fun.

I think....

I need to know. Sometime. Not immediately, but sometime.

Things I need the answers to.

1. Am I ever going to get a chance to take that damn black sand back to Hawaii?
2. Where do my neighbors go at 3:00am, and do they have to slam their car door?
3. Why does my refrigerator run constantly? Drives me nuts!
4. Why is my son being so disrespectful and uncaring? It's so not like him.
5. Should I sell my river cabin?
6. Do men just decide one day, "I don't think I will talk to you again?" or just the ones in my life.
7. Why am I so hungry?

I'm just saying...

My fingers have been sitting on the keyboard now for a good 30 minutes. They want to write. Something emotional, maybe even heart wrenching. Nothing...Can't get anything stirring.

Here's something...

Your not going to necessarily agree with everything I suggest to you, your not going to necessarily agree to everything I observe, but that's not going to cause me to change what I say or do. There's a thought in my head and it comes out my mouth. I am the most non judgemental person...I label behavior, not people.

Now, I'm going to go eat a big piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on it.

Are you talking to me?

Unless and until you know who you are, you are vulnerable to what other people say.

grateful...

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.

Maurice Setter

Are you sleeping?

It's 4am. I can't sleep. This is somewhat a common thing in my life. I stare at this white page because I want to write something, but nothing really comes to my mind.

My stomach growls of hunger and all I can think about is that leftover "Gringo Burrito" I had at Roja tonight. So I go to the kitchen and extract it from the cozy Styrofoam container it is neatly tucked in and warm it in the microwave. After transferring it to a plate, I take it to the living room where I retreat to the couch and my laptop. It's delicious and my hunger growls stop.

That's gonna cost me like an extra fucking hour on the treadmill....

While writing, I play scrabble on my iPhone with a random opponent, and wonder how they come up with such amazing words so quickly.

The wind blows hard outside, I can hear my awnings bumping against the house.

My thoughts are working overtime again and I wish I could shut them off. Never been to fond of the holidays, people ask why, and I must admit that I do not have the answer. Regardless of the fact, I partake in the excitement, somewhat uninspired, unmotivated.

I need a hug.

I wonder

Sometimes when you least expect it, something happens to make us stop and take stock of our lives. We look back at what we've done, what we've become, where we've been and what we've accomplished and we can't help but wonder what's next.

It's all how you look at it..

"You take what your given, some of us are given the White House and some of us are given much much worse." "So you take what your given and make the most of it.", she said.

They sat under a blue tarp to keep the rain off of them.

"And if you can't bare what your given?", the woman replied.

"Then you need to get a new pair of glasses"....
"What do you see when you look out there?" she said, pointing out from out under the tarp. "I see people who lost everything they loved and are scratching in the dirt to get it back, I see people who are so down that they can't go any where but up!"

"A new pair of glasses" you could hear the woman say while nodding, "Yes, a new pair of glasses"....

What he needs....

What he needs is not a career coach because he has that, what he needs is a dad that says your are spectacular. That says I love you, I recognize your talent, I'm proud of you.

For every biting criticism, it takes a thousand "at a boys" and he needs those because he gets rejected other places. He needs a soft place to fall, you are too hard on your son. I love your involvement, but you need to back off and have some confidence in his ability.

Untitled

What is my burden compared to theirs?

P is for Passion

If you live your life without passion, then you need to stop what your doing and find passion.

You should embrace it.

Lie..fe

Lying and living a lie is just a facsimile of a life.

It's not a real life when you are lying and betraying people and pretending to be something your not.

Someday you will decide to tell the truth.

Wow, a whole week has gone past. Where does the time go?

I have been busy trying to get things in order around the house. Selling, cleaning, and painting. I'm getting ready to move. I'm sick of this town and the arrogant people who live here. I spent some time reflecting on some of the people who were part of my life before my divorce. I see now how they lied to me, they were all about being my friend when in reality, they knew my x-husband was having an affair on me. Nobody told me, they all played the game, continuing to lie and even suggest to me to get a divorce, since things were not good.

Yeah, I'm bitter.

Fuck you!

what's going on

What a great day today! I have been working on the house, fixing things I have let go. Although I am not fond of painting, I have been doing so. I have an older two story house and the basement windows are in need of paint and some repair. It is taking much longer than I expected. There will be a time when I will list the house for sale and move. Things are always changing, and I am one to always look ahead and be prepared.

I also have a cabin on the river that needs work, but I definitely want to sell as there is just no time to enjoy being out there any more.

It's time to condense what I have into a smaller package.

fear

My sense of danger all but disappeared
for a brief time without fear.
I became sure of the sky
sure of the sun,
Blind to the scattered things.
I uncovered my heart
and there it was
transformed,
and at the last moment
things seem suddenly strange
and beyond my reach.
So not to disturb anyone
as hard as it is
I motion to you.
I grope for your touch
but you do not surrender,
I wither.

Where has the lighthouse gone?

I am wise, but not old
and I have learned
not to fulfill my desires, but to forget them.
and perhaps
beyond the reach of most,is good instead of evil.
A man goes far to find out what he is,
and may find himself in a dark tearless night.
There must be people getting what they want.
Good for them, getting what they want.
The wind whispers, the night still, the air cold.
People getting what they need
they are so happy, they forget about tomorrow.
I drift farther from shore
my hand twirls in the water,
I should have learned to tie a secure knot,
not an acceptable knot, in the rope.
A breeze blows.

Positive comments work better.

Reed (age 9) played football Saturday and Sunday. He really likes to play and although he is not real aggressive, he does a pretty good job. The thing I dislike is when he comes off the field when the game is over and his team didn't win. His dad will be waiting for him, and usually the first thing out of his mouth is negative. On Saturday he said, "You look like a ballerina out there" and then he proceeds to imitate what he felt Reed looked like. How bad that has to make Reed feel. Well, I know how bad he feels, because he tells me.

I don't think his dad really gets it, and it surprises me that his fiance doesn't say anything. Or maybe she does, and she gets the response I used to get, so you just learn to keep your mouth shut. Or maybe the fact that she's 35ish and he's 49 has something to do with it. (But hey, that's a story for another day.)

Comments like that do nothing for this self esteem.

From different points we came

From different points
of the world
we came,
and found
a bit of magic
hovering between us.
From different points
where we once stood
we come,
to hold each other
in a sort of way
that others
only dream of.
The zigzag pattern
of our life,
caused us to part
for a fraction
of time.
A moment in one day
blended our hearts
into one.
Simply together
laughing,
our hearts not knowing
from different points
we came.

While she slept

The curtains billowed.
Balls of wind swept through, longing
To touch her warm hair.

Unsurpassed friendship

Tonight I had cocktails with some of the most important people in the world. No, it wasn't the President of the United States, or my State Senator or Governor. I had cocktails with students who are being educated in the field of Sonography.

What makes these people so important? The fact that they are everyday people, with busy lives, who are willing to go the extra mile to learn something that will assist someone in need. They are giving up many important things to pursue a career in this field. A very demanding field. They are glorious people. These very people have embraced me as their friend and are able to see the person that I really am, although my circumstances have brought about a different path for me.

That is what being a professional is really about. The 5 people at my table with me tonight are just that. It's not about how much power you have over someone, not how you can intimidate or control. It's not about the grade you get on paper, because truly, that is only determined by the person with the red ink pen who grades your test. These 5 people will go the distance and stand out from the crowd. Why? Because they have integrity, morals, compassion and are truly humble souls.. My friends are strong people with values. They will make it in this profession, because of their self esteem and self respect. Yes, others will make it in this profession, but they truly will never succeed without those vital characteristics.

I have learned that when tragedy hits, values change, relationships become more precious, and life itself more important than any day-to-day occupation or any material possession. When your values change, your life changes. Although hard to believe, people that mourn are really comforted, and believe it or not, they are happy. And I know, when presented with a tragic situation, these are the people you will want at your side, because they know the most important thing in life is to live your life for something more important than your life... that's what happy people do.

Who will buy my memories

Better Now

Before this day
a sense of quiet
we cannot hear
what each is saying.

Glimpse of your face
in the crowd
we will not know
the wrong on both sides.

Look back if you like
from the edge
we won't feel the touch
of someone who is not there.

Riding with the tailgate down

I saw an old green truck today that reminded me of my childhood days. Our neighbors who lived a few doors down had an old green truck. They used to drive it out to the farm. Now, we all lived in town on the same block, but you see, our neighbors had family that lived about 10 miles out of town, on a farm. We would all jump in the back of the pickup with the tailgate down and off Mr. Johnson would drive. Most generally it was at night. Sure, the tailgate was down and there we would sit with our legs dangling over the edge while Mr. Johnson drove 55 miles per hour down the highway.

Something that kids do not get the opportunity to experience nowadays. What a great feeling, yeah we probably tossed stuff off the back and we waved at the car behind us, and they waved back at us thinking those kids sure are having a fun time. Mr. Johnson never minded what we were doing, he just drove. I remember his denim overalls and plaid long sleeve shirt, and his arm hanging out the window, and he always had a smile on his face, never taking his eyes off the road. "You kids be careful now" he's tell us. We would yell through the back window, Mr. Johnson, put the brakes on...and he would tap the brakes and they would light up red and our shoes looked red and our legs looked red, and we laughed and laughed.

Yep, those were good times.

Just another day

A quick look at some things:

Reed is with his Dad all weekend and although I have plenty of things to do with people who love me, I always seem to miss him. He's such a good boy. He keeps me centered on what is important.

I'm fed up with judgemental people who seem to delight in the pain and suffering of other people.

The Dr. Phil show said some happenings in my life were "compelling." Asked if I would be interested in coming on the show. I am highly considering it.

I think the black sand from the black sand beach in Hawaii has got to go back. Been saying it for 20 years, had a friend that went to Hawaii and wouldn't take it, (Oh, that's what friends are for!)

I know exactly

Things turning out quite differently,
but then they always change
Many friends have come and gone,
with my priorities rearranged.

No broken branches

They take long walks and often hold hands.
She prefers they just remain friends. Forever.

Are you Everybody?

Everybody wants to be cool, sound cool,
look cool, but that's just a cover up.

Svojohism

"They don't like you because you reflect what they are not."

Shoulda known

What happens when you continually jab and pester a barracuda?

Without warning, it will spin around and tear your face off.

Shoulda known better.

Oh, no.

He disappeared one September night
down the street
on his way to the store
he just went out
and never came home.
They agonized in pain
about what to do,
but the pie was done
so they decided
to have a slice.

Fun Zone???

Went to the State Fair with Reed last weekend and spent time on the Midway. Reed went into a fun house, I waited.

Then I read the sign.

No running, no jumping?

Are you kidding me?

And it was 4 tickets for all that fun!

Why one forgets

Somehow tenderness survives
amid the menace to life,
You spring forth in a fever of love
and again at the last moment

A sword you will sharpen.
Everything cannot make you happy,
Never to your liking
You shrug your shoulders.

Raise your hands to the sky
disappear when you want to,
Rendering all unlovely and unlovable
and yet your heart looks back at me.

When the world falls in around you
you will have a sudden gasp of brightness,
and beyond your reach
I was your exuberant soul.

What he knew of you

What he knew of you
was behind a thick canvas,
only being able to see
a small amount.

Or else a coat of paint
that covered up the rust
that had started
to become visible.

A burning ember
in a forest
smoldering, waiting
to engulf the mountainside.

You were a river flood
quickly without warning
causing devastation to those
in your path.

Seemingly unknowing to the
pain you have caused,
most cruel,in great despair
a young boy cries.

Mr. Deception

Untitled

"Come on in, what's going on?" he says without making eye contact with me.
"The usual" I answer quietly. I sit down in the big couch and wait for him to turn his chair towards me. I assume I am the last customer of the day because it is late, and I am understanding of this and wait for his attention to divert to me.
"Your enthusiasm is underwhelming" I hear him say, but I am distant today, unable to focus.
I wait for a moment, anticipating if he will stay in the office chair, or move to the wing back chair.
You see, the chair tells me alot about him.
Although I am there because his advice keeps me in my current existence, I must admit that the chair he chooses gives me a preview of his level of being plugged in and engaged in the conversation.

You see, the office chair speaks of casualness, like your favorite worn out pair of blue jeans with the rip. He leans way back, taps his fingers on the desk and checks his text messages when I hear his phone vibrate. Sometimes while speaking I do not make eye contact, but when I decide to, many times he is yawning or checking his watch.

Do not misunderstand my perception of "the chairs", I do not anguish over it as such that, it is what I perceive it to be.
I am in a foggy twilight, I hear the tone of his voice, and regardless that I am sitting in the same room, I do not hear.

It is obvious I am getting in my own way now, because I am focused on the wing back chair and when his time is spent there it speaks, I am a searchlight that will guide you and bring you to safety. No matter what storm you may be in. I am steadfast.

Oh, these heavy thoughts of mine. While some may see weakness in the mire thought of it all, those who do not tax their lives with forethought will never know the presence of still water.

For Brian

The City by C.P. Cavafy

You said, "I will go to another land,I will go to another sea.
Another city will be found, a better one than this.
Every effort of mine is a condemnation of fate,
and my heart is - like a corpse - buried.
How long will my mind remain in this wasteland.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I may look
I see black ruins of my life here,
where I spent so many years destroying and wasting."

You will find no new lands, you will find no other seas,
The city will follow you. You will roam the same streets.
And you will age in the same neighborhoods,
And you will grow gray in these same houses.
Always you will arrive in this city. Do not hope for any other-

There is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have destroyed your life here
in this little corner, you have ruined it in the
entire world.

I miss me time

I want to write something, truly I do. There are so many things that have happened since my last entry. I miss it, writing of course. Not that I'm good at it, but perhaps because of the way it makes me feel. Calm and relaxed.
I enjoy writing mushy loving things.
I don't personally love mushy things,
and I don't mush things that are loving.

I am no longer working. I am a unemployed college student. An over 45 years of age unemployed college student.

Shit.

I'm in a creative writing class because it was required. Haven't written anything creative yet, just boring crap I'm not interested in. How creative is that?

I want to be a billionaire so frickin' bad..

Would site my source, but don't know who sings it. So I'll say.. some guy sings that, not my words.

Beach

You are the opened-armed sky
full of blue and
white marshmallow puffs,
and my love is a single seagull
circling in late afternoon.
oh my, the sky has me pinned
to the beach I'll never come home.

A journey well traveled

He smells of sweat when he pulls her close. He'd been working, but didn't want to take time to shower and change before seeing her. After all, she's been gone a long time. Too long. She snuggles her face into his neck, wanting more, needing more. While in a tight embrace she reaches down and grabs him from behind.
"Hey, you know what that does to me!" he says.
"I know, that's why I did it" she replies.
He turns her around, wrapping his arms around her from behind, and says, "You know we've know each other for a long time and I must admit I have grown fond of you."
"Oh, your just saying that because you know that's what I want to hear" she replies laughing.
He kisses her. "I missed you, seems like you were gone a month." he whispers in her ear."
She embraces him, breathes him in, pulling his body close so she can feel every inch of him against her.
Looking up at him, she say's, "You HAVE missed me, haven't you?"
Breaking their embrace, he reaches for her suitcases. "I'll help you with these" he says. He carries them down the steps. Setting them down, he looks at her and says, "Let me.. help you unpack them."
"I would love that" she replied. "I'll open them....here..let me get that zipper.."

It can be.

What is love?

Fundamentally it's respect. You know their faults and yet you fucking love these faults. Sometimes more than their strengths. Love is being with that person for eternity. You ache when their away. It's waiting for their call, it's tending to them when their sick. It's trusting that person with your life. It's vulnerability, and compromise. It can be a headache. It can be incredible.

A peaceful place to be

She entwines her fingers within mine, and as
she puts a tear streaked cheek on my shoulder,
a gasp escapes her lips.
And my heart soars on the hope
that I've settled whatever heartache
that's befallen her.

You...

Touch me with that magic
make me want to glow
kiss me with those mystic lips
set my fire below.

Take me in your loving arms
give me back my smile
drive me to the very brink
then let me rest awhile.

For in your hands I feel desire
an inner mounting flame
In your arms there's nothing wrong
I can feel no shame.

You give me what I long for
you give me what I crave
you love while looking in my eyes
I'm free to misbehave.

Forever I will follow you
through the good times and the bad
give to me the sweetest kisses
that I have ever had.

Magical

Although entertaining,
I don't believe
all aspects
of Disney World
to be "magical."

------------------------------

We have 3 choices in this life -
be good, get good, or give up.

Occasional Affirmation

Life is a series of rooms,
and who we get stuck with
in those rooms adds up to
what our lives are.

From an episode of "House"

Wild blue sea

Drag your shadow down the street,
Is it you? I was to meet?
think I'm going down
where the waves wrestle round,
to the roll and the pound
of the wild wild sea,
talking sweet to me.

From A.A.Bondy - A slow parade

Are you alright

Are you alright...
All a sudden you went away
Are you alright...
Hope you come back around some day
Are you alright...
Haven't seen you in a real long time
Are you alright...
Could you give me some kind of sign
Are you alright...
Are you sleeping through the night
Do you have someone to hold you tight
Do you have someone to hang out with
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you
Hug and kiss you...
Are you alright?
Hey
Are you alright...

From Lucinda Williams - Are you alright

Where did you go?

You'll...get lost into the night
She's gonna lose this fight
He'll...just say the job went late
Solitary fate.
Fake...you must have heard it wrong
Cause he wasn't...gone that long.
Who's.. somebody..?
Who's.. someone..?
Where did you go?
Ooooo
I don't want to know
Where did you go?
Ooooo
I don't want to know..
Ooooo
I don't want to know...

Words...

I have been.. a long time away.
The words were not there.

To put here.

But there have been many words
written on paper.

Loose pages everywhere

with words.