Stand

I want to dream away
where people stand
as individuals
and not hide
behind groups and causes.
fuck delicate egos
let followers fall
on their faces
let leaders stand
alone among the
bewildered masses
let the child be
who are we to say
bumbling idiots on
a fast road to the end.

All in a days work

I'm sorry but I have one thing to say to those of you who work indoors...TOO BAD.
Let me tell you, I may have to work in the wind, rain, snow reading meters for the Utilities, but I also get to see things and go places the majority of people never get to.

Today
1. I read the meters at a van down by the river. (only a small portion of you will understand..HA) Seriously, I walked along the river and read meters at homes and cabins. Saw a couple deer and wild turkeys. I get paid for doing this!
2. I know when Spring is here..I get to experience everybody's Spring flowers coming up.
3. I read the meters at a beautiful lake. If they are building new homes, I am always welcome to go take a tour.
4. Nobody watching over your shoulder, no women in the office arguing, just piece and quiet in the mornings.
5. Ever get to weigh yourself on the post office scale? Or the scale that weighs the grain trucks?
6. I know which restaurants to avoid, lots of times we need to go through the kitchen or into the basements to read the meters.

Yes, there are days I get soaked by rain. There are plenty of times I wish I could get dressed up to go to work.
But, nothing beats what I am able to see and do all with a day's pay.

Is a child's life really that care free?

Went with my son Reed after work to sign up for summer baseball. Was going for the 8am time slot so I can drop him off before I go to work. It was full. Not good. The situation got worse. The lady who signs them up was more than happy to announce that, his friend Matthew signed up with Brock. (They sign kids up in pairs now days so they can be assured they will be with their friend) His friend Jack signed up with Nic. Garrett signed up with Trevor. "Forget it, I don't want to play anymore" Reed exclaims, "All my friends already signed up with my friends!" "Nobody signed up with me!" The tears started flowing. A 7 year old is already exposed to the pain of being left out. So, I quietly sign him up for a different team, at a different park, at a different time. Which means I will have to drop him off at daycare and then they will transport him to the park at 9am. All the other kids will be able to have their parents drop them off.
Silently my tears begin.

Sometimes you wonder if your a good parent. How could I have made this different? Why didn't I get him signed up sooner. Did I not see the paper come home in the back pack? Why DID his FRIENDS sign up with other kids. Why didn't a Mom call me? Questions that will never get answered.

It is amazing how bad your heart can hurt for your child... How his pain becomes yours.

Simple World

Just a little girl
making mud pies
on a board
she found in the garage,
fishing in the street drain
with a paperclip
on a string.

Just a little girl
pushing her doll in a buggy
singing a church song
breathing the words.
skipping rope
with the girl next door.

Just a little girl
sitting on the porch
spitting sunflower seeds
trying to whistle
with her fingers
catching fireflies.

In yesterday's lace
wearing pigtails
tied with yarn
she chases
the last ray
of sunshine.

Hey You!

I love this video. It always gets me pumped up after a bad day!

Deviled eggs anyone?

Did the Easter egg hunt thing. We had 23 plastic eggs filled with goodies, and 11 real hard boiled eggs. (Number 12 was broken when I got the carton home, yes Mom I did lift the lid and they were all okay when I put them in the shopping cart!) We (I mean the Easter Bunny) hid them around the yard. Then when my son was hunting for them his father and I followed him around and his father video taped it. I suppose you will be able to hear me telling his father in that low, quiet, kinda pissed off voice, "We've been doing this for 7 years now and you still can't remember that the Easter Bunny doesn't hide the eggs any higher than him. So that means don't hide them on the tree branch,or in the mailbox or up on top of the slide!" (Trust me I will repeat this sentence again in my lifetime!)

You tend to do the same things your parents did traditionally, sometimes without thinking... As I was making Deviled Eggs for dinner I wondered if it really was a good idea to leave these hard boiled eggs out on display, in the basket on the kitchen table for say...4 days? I mean when I was a kid, after we dyed the eggs we just left them sit out to look at. Mom didn't put them back in the refrigerator..Hhhumm, I just assumed that was the way everybody did it, I mean we cooked them, so they should be fine....Right?

My favorite rope

When I was young, about 5 maybe 6 years old, I had a rope. It was one of those soft ones. It was about 6 feet long and I took it everywhere I went. Best part about it was my Dad tied a slip knot in it. I slipped that rope around everything..doorknob, toys, table legs, oven door, my neck..What? Yes I use to put this rope with the slip knot around my neck and drag the rope behind me. I'd go to the grocery store or to JCPenneys with my rope. (It was much like other kids and their blankie). My mom(strict as she was) had no problem with it. I remember being in my late 20's one day at JCPenneys and the older lady waiting on me said, "I remember when your Mom would bring you into the store and you always had that silly rope around your neck. We were always worried you were going to hang yourself on something!" I had to laugh! To me, it was just my rope, like your favorite doll or truck or blanket. It was just normal, now remember this was 40 years ago..nowadays they would have arrested my Mom for letting me drag it around. Strange as it sounds, I'm glad Mom let me do things like that..kinda like when we stood up in the front seat of the car when she was driving..
That's another story..

Start your engines!

I'm still recovering from the fun I had Monday night at the Boy Scout meeting! (Did I just say that?) Yes, I had fun! All the kids had to make "box cars". Ours was nothing special, you know just your average box, colored it a bit, put a number on it and some wheels. Well, let me tell you, some of these cars were amazing? One kid had a car that looked like a batmobile. I introduced myself to this child's parents, because I wanted to meet the parents that must have spent their every waking moment for a week constructing this amazing car. (Let me explain, these kids hold this box under their arms while running 3 laps around an imaginary race track in the church's gymnasium.) There was a sprint car and even a tank, best paint job on a box I have ever seen. Amazing!

I've got to tell you, it was a blast. The kids run heats (about 4 kids each). The parents are the pit crew. After the first lap you have to change his tires. This consisted of the two of us taking off our son's shoes and socks, turning the socks inside out and putting his socks and shoes back on. After lap 2 we had to give him a drink of water from a cup, needless to say his Dad poured most of it down the front of his shirt. (you know men, it's all about winning) and after lap 3 we had to spray the swimming goggles he was wearing with water and wipe them off. Then it was a race to the finish! It was so fun! Reed ended up in 3rd place, and had a great time!

In the Night

In the darkness she sits cross-legged on worn out carpet. She hears the clock in the kitchen going tick tock, tick tock. The refrigerator begins to hum and almost drowns out the ticking. The furnace kicks on and the dog jumps from his circular bed and run to the heat register and lies in front of it. Sleep has not come yet. The veins in her hand are quite noticeable as she types word after word on the keyboard. Light comes from the laptop screen and it's brightness allows her to see the keyboard. The furnace stops running, the refrigerator ends its hum and becomes quiet. She only hears the tick tock of the clock now, her mind wanders. It is far into the middle of the night and she wonders when sleep will come. A train whistle blows once and then again. The typing stops and she tucks her hands under her legs to warm them and stares at the whiteness of the computer screen. The nightlight shines bright in the hall. A small voice calls out "Mom where are you?" She stops typing and goes upstairs.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

That's where you'll find me.

I Can't

Left here on the shelf
you put me for safekeeping.
I sit here
always weeping.

Anger, pain, sorrow, rain

I burn with despair
Yes, I care
but now I can't
I won't
Sit here
dying, fading, crying.

Waiting for the fate
I can't
Love you or not
I go.

Walking down Memory Lane

Today, on my 45th birthday I reflect back. Birthday's of the past.

It was beautiful. Sort of a lime green, with a banana seat. It was a new bike. Of course at dinner last night there was discussion with my mother as to which birthday I received it on. "You got that for your 15th birthday" she said. "Mom, why would I get a bike at 15 when I would be driving at 16?" I said. "Well I have the pictures at home and I will show you I am right!" she exclaimed. "Okay" I succumbed to her. No point in arguing because you never win. It was the only bike I remember. It was my 10th, trust me.

My 16th birthday I had a party at the bowling center my parents owned. It was held in the lounge area in the middle of the afternoon. I decorated it and brought out my little stereo with black speakers. Invited 16 girlfriends. Lots of squealing and yelling like girls do. I remember some of my presents, I got alot of key chains. Do you remember the big plastic circle ones with the comments written on them? Saved a few. One had instructions on how to start a car. Plenty of stuffed animals. That was big, you have to remember this was 30 years ago. Nothing like how it is today.

My 19th birthday I bought a 1977 Jeep CJ5. Beautiful dark blue. Big tires, lots of Chrome. It was 5 years old. My first vehicle. Oh, you know me all too well. Yes, I still have it! It only has 66,000 miles on it. I am currently in the process of restoring it. The body rusted out, so I have a new body currently at the body shop. I have always wanted to put it in a car show. I remember paying $2,900 for it. Cash. Oh your seeing a trend huh, I am a saver...

My 21st birthday...I made a choice on this day, and I often wonder what path my life would have taken had I made a different choice. On this day I was given an engagement ring from a wonderful man. He lived in Pompano Beach Florida. We met the summer I turned 18. We dated long distance for 3 years. I flew to Florida and spent many summers with him. I went to his hometown in Wisconsin and met his whole family. (Even Grandma, who was very old and very Italian, who could only speak Italian, but made Lasagna you would die for.) It was a beautiful ring...I remember calling home. My parents asking me how I could even consider leaving my hometown and the family business. They promised the business to me again. They put me under their spell again, made me feel guilty for choosing anything but what they wanted. I remember telling him I could not accept it. I gave it back to him. (This was one thing I wasn't able to save) He was 8 years older than me and was not going to relocate to Nebraska, and I knew my place with him would be Florida. Regrets in my lifetime? This is it. I was in love with this man, and I regret the decision I made on that day.
My parents sold the business they had promised me, 17 years later.

The Revolving door lounge on my 22nd birthday. with a bunch of my friends, I sang Karaoke up on the stage. Don't be Cruel, by Elvis. Then they give you the cassette tape recording of it to take home. Yes, I still have it. Let me know if you want to hear it. This was a great birthday!

My 30th birthday, was a surprise party at my house. After being taken to the movie, I just wanted to come home. This is how it went. Opened the door, walked in, and lots of people I knew were standing around having cocktails in my dining room. I thought what the hell is going on? Nobody yelled surprise, nobody yelled Happy Birthday! It was strange. Whatever. Will never understand that one.

My 4oth I was in Puerta Vallerta with Chuck and our friends Susan and Nick. Too many marg's but oh so much fun. This was truly a relaxing vacation. Can some one bring me another Margarita please?

My 43rd birthday I saw Barry Manilow in Concert in Las Vegas. It wasn't exactly on my birthday, but it was in Celebration of my birthday. Brian had gotten prime seats on the stage ends. I danced with Barry Manilow. WOW! Won't ever forget it.

Happy 44th! was again spent in Las Vegas with Brian, who made all the arrangements. A terrific dinner, and oh the dessert. and tickets to see Rascal Flatts in concert. A very memorable birthday! I have enjoyed my birthdays spent with him. Thanks B!

Well I enjoyed reminiscing about my birthdays. Oh yeah, there were plenty more that were great, but these stuck out in my mind the most. Happy Birthday to me!

Eastbound

There is no sleep
only sounds of trains.

My mind running
dusk to dawn
eternity.

I drift along
betrayed by the breeze
and the wind.

My thoughts are gone
like a train
moving through,
moving through.

Some Days

I am spent
and my thoughts
still hang on yesterday.

Dodging water puddles
on the sidewalk
I'm restless all day long.

Apart I am
and alone much.
Outside myself I stand
looking back not in amazement
or sadness
I wonder how I came to be here.

You wouldn't like the beach today
the waves are too rough
and the shells are too few.