Still here...Sorta

Just a short note. Things have been really a mess around here. (My house). I got divorced in May. (Nobody understands). I'm working 40 hours a week and looking for a new job. (This one is ending). I'm tryng to raise a 7 year old. (Alone). Who participates in 4 sports, Sunday school, Cub Scouts and more. (I need to see my day planner) It's been a difficult time. (Overwhelming). Without support or help from family or friends. (Okay maybe 2 friends). Sorry if I have disappointed you. (How do you think I feel?).

Demolition Derby, Oh Yeah!

Yesterday I went to the Demolition Derby at the County Fair. It was jam packed with people. All types of people. It was, to say the least, quite a mixed crowd. Now don't get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with that. Sometimes though, I wish I lived someplace else. It's a smaller town, farming close by..and I began to realize exactly how small townish it was when during the fireworks display, a not functioning well loud speaker was blaring the song Cotton Eyed Joe, and in front of me dancing around, beer in hand was a guy in a tank top on that said, "We don't skinny dip, we chunky dunk.

Need I say more?

Blue VW Bug

My parents owned a blue Volkswagen Bug. It was around 1970. I was about 8 years old and I remember taking a 2 week vacation to Colorado in it. My Dad drove and my Mom sat in front in the front holding my 6 month old baby brother on her lap. Car seats didn't exist, and seat belts were optional. My older brother shared the backseat with me. Mom packed 2 small suitcases, and we always had an ice chest full of food. The old ice chest had to have ice in it and I remember my parents opening the drain hole on the bottom to drain the excess water. My parents took us on a 2 week vacation every year. How did they afford it?? 5 people in a VW bug. Have you ever seen the size of the trunk? It was in the front, and the engine was in the back. 2 weeks. No DVD players, gameboys, T.V, air conditioning or cup holders. Interesting huh? Compare that to how we travel today. Imagine if families were that conservative now...

Rain, rain go away

Wow, it's raining like crazy, didn't know rain was in the forecast. Reed is on vacation with his Dad and it seems odd not having him here to comfort. Crap, I took the gutter extensions off to mow and did not put them back on. Could be a real problem happening soon in the basement. You know I am not really fond of rain myself and even though I said I feel odd not having Reed to comfort, it is probably me that needs the comfort.

Assessing your reality

You can leave this town on the very next train
Or catch your death standing in the rain
You can choose what you give, and choose what you take
Make your own destiny select the path that you make.

If I could, I would...

Things I wish I could change or do something about in my town..

1. Stop the summer help that mows Ridge Cemetery, from hitting their weed eaters on headstones to get the string to come out. Very disrespectful.
2. Paint the crosswalks on the streets more than once a year.
3. Have the traffic lights stay green longer than 16 seconds on Main at Military.
4. Do something about the chicken coops in the yards of some Hispanic households.
5. Ban pit bulls and Rottweilers, or ban the people that own them.
6. Have the summer help that the City hires use an edger on the curbs. They mow the grass and let the weeds grow over the curb into the street. When it rains the water won't drain down the street, and it just looks unkept.
7. Don't let landlords let their houses sit empty for years. If they do and they let the property get run down, put a sign in the front yard stating who the landlord is. There are currently about 70+ abandoned homes now.
8. Send a letter to every home that doesn't have an address on the outside of their home, asking them to do so, if after you ask them nicely twice, and they still don't comply, get paint and brush and do it for them. It's a safety issue you know.
9. Have the inspector do something about the Hispanics adding on to their homes and trailer houses without permits. He won't allow my neighbor to add a half-assed addition to his house without a permit. Our respected home builders have to get permits. I'm just saying...
10. When the firemen have to go to City Hall for a meeting or they want to pick up a pizza, they drive the firetruck in case there is a fire while they are out, what do those trucks get, like 2 miles to the gallon? How can we make this situation better?

Hope

The strong will get by, because they always do
The small and the helpless are counting on you
Doesn't anybody notice, doesn't anybody care
Doesn't anybody give a damn out there?

Reflect

Sometimes I'm scared and back away
I just can't go but I just can't stay.
Half my life it seems to me
I've been running around with
Bruised knees.
Cause I have to stumble in the dark sometimes
Reaching my hands out to see what I find
When I touch some light it feels so sweet and kind.

HE'S.. SAFE!

Work was crummy today and so were the people I worked with. It hurts deep inside and I was going to write about it.. But instead I want to express my excitement for my son as he won his baseball game tonight. You know he's only 7 and score hasn't meant much but they had their first tournament tonight. To see these sweaty little kids in red shirts running after balls, trying to throw to first base and the ball just doesn't make it there. I couldn't stay in my seat. Run! Run! Catch it, shit he missed it, throw it home! What's he doing? I found myself enjoying baseball more this game. Maybe because it was for something. Not just running bases, it had purpose. My heart just smiled when he ran up to me and was yelling WE WON! WE WON! Yeah, it had purpose..

A bit of vacation

After a great vacation and some well deserved rest, I'm back. I had very good intentions of trying to blog while on vacation, even carried my laptop around with me, but did not plug it in. We were having alot of fun, but getting up early and staying in Disneyland Park until closing time left me with little time to do so.
On the 4th of July Reed and I flew to Las Vegas for 1 day. Then we drove to Disneyland for 3 nights. Our hotel was across the street so we just walked everyday. We also had time to see the Crystal Cathedral. Next, we went to Carlsbad California to Legoland. Originally I wasn't too excited about this part, but it turned out to be our favorite part. Our hotel was 1 1/2 blocks from the beach and a short 10 minute drive to Legoland. We then returned to Las Vegas for 2 days and spent all our time in the wave pool and lazy river. Reed is a great traveler and refuses to fall asleep while I'm driving and is very entertaining!

On Crying..

People have said, "Don't cry" to other people
for years and years, and all it has ever
meant is, "I'm too uncomfortable when you
show your feelings. Don't cry." I'd rather
have them say, "Go ahead and cry. I'm here
to be with you."

Mister Rogers

Vacation planning

Been busy planning our vacation. Going to Disneyland. Decided to fly into Las Vegas one of my favorite destinations (except for Cancun). Reed is really excited to see what Vegas is all about. He's only 7. He knew I had vacationed in Vegas and it was not a big deal until his little friend at school went there because her Mom was getting married. THEN, he wanted to go. So we land in Vegas, stay a day, drive to Disneyland and Legoland (Ah yes, 3 days in Legoland I can't wait..) see the ocean. Drive back to Vegas stay a couple days and swim, and fly home. It will be fun and we are both looking forward to it. (You know what is cool? The airline serves cool snacks when we fly because my son has a peanut allergy. Like bags of Doritos and cheese and crackers!)

Something from the Fiction section

Well, I have been writing a little fiction. There is a wonderful site sixsentences.blogspot.com where you can submit a 6 sentence anything. Well, I submitted and they liked! You can see it at that website and I encourage you to try it out! It's called Sad & Glad. I'm really excited.

Murphy's Law

The Unspeakable Law

As soon as you mention something
*if it's good, it goes away.
*if it's bad, it happens.

Mulberries

I remember when I was a kid we had a mulberry bush/hedge that surrounded our whole yard. I use to play outside barefoot. I played in the yard around that hedge, during the time the mulberry's were falling off. At the end of the day, when I came in from playing, the bottom of my feet were stained purple from the mulberries. My mom would make me wash my feet in the bathroom sink every night. The bottom of my feet were always stained purple until winter.

I thought of this today when I was reading meters and I walked under a Mulberry tree, it reminded me of my childhood, when having to wash your feet before bed was a big deal!

Occasional Affirmation

You were just too busy being fabulous.

Can you tell me where the fiction section is?

Lovingly His

His rough calloused hand slid under her pink velvet pajamas. She tensed up briefly for it was not the hand she was used to. He caressed her hair and she began to relax as his hand slid down her thigh. Slowly, so gently, it felt good to be touched again and she allowed him to continue. He kissed her neck and his rough beard tickled the side of her cheek, and she snuggled into him as the fire began to go out. His muscular arms encircled her and as they lay quietly together intertwined, their eyes closed, sleep came to them.

svojohism

I don't give people hell,
I just tell them the truth
and they think it's hell.

Occasional Affirmation

Blunt as informational is not bad.

All in a days work

It was a beautiful day today and it was wonderful to work outside. Here's today's list of some of the things I saw or encountered.

1. 3 baby kittens
2. A recently retired man, planting his garden.
3. 6 abandoned homes
4. A man surveying a homeowners property.
5. Black lab puppy who wanted me to put water in his bowl.
6. Some workers laying sod.
7. Hispanic man sweeping, wearing a t-shirt that was extremely small, exposing his large stomach.
8. Lady with vicious dogs who said she would put them in, but told me to "just stand still" as she took them past me, to the door.
9. Boy who took a board out of the fence so I could get into the neighbors yard. Sshh, it's a secret.

Could you tell me where the fiction section is?

"You should not have come back here" she said.
"You knew I would, I had to" he replied.

She pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and said, "If someone told me a year ago I would have the feelings I have for you I would have told them they were out of their minds. This is not what we expected. Nobody understands what my life was like, when you and I started bonding they had no idea what I was going through, I did not want them to see me that weak, I didn't want them to see me broken." she told him.
He took a step closer to her and took her hands into his and said, "You are not broken anymore."

"Only because of you, I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you, I don't know how I would have done it without your love and support." she touched his cheek gently as she told him.
Yes, but you did get through it, we pushed through, and now you see how people react to unconventional relationships. I am not giving up, I can't, I won't!" he said.

"I can't.. she said, as he slides the ring onto her hand. You have been the most unbelievable surprise, you have been so there for me, and no one has ever loved me the way you have. You made me feel like a queen, like I was the center of the universe."
"Because that's what you are to me." he said.

"But, I can't be that for you. Please if you love me, just walk away, I can't do it by myself, I need you to go, please just help me do it. I know I'm going to be scared, I'm going to be lonely." she said tearfully. They embrace and kiss and hold each other for another moment, then she turns her back to him, and he goes out the door.

Just rambling

Went out to the river cabin this weekend. Really needed to mow. Thanks to Brian for transporting and helping me lift the mower in and out of the truck. The grass was really high and it took about 3 hours. Reed was getting bored while I mowed, but the neighbors entertained him for me for a bit. A tree had fallen and taken out the electric, but the electric boys got that wire up. Thanks to Big Tom for getting the light to work in my outhouse and sawing up the tree. It's been a busy weekend.

Went to a fund raiser with Julie and had a couple drinks Saturday night after I got my hair cut. Felt guilty I wasn't home getting things done. Reed spent some fun time with Jackson and his parents at the State Lakes. He really needed that. It's been hard on him not going to our old friends houses and grilling out and playing with his old friends. They enjoyed grilling hot dogs (he must have said weenie a million times and laughed so much) and roasting marshmallows.

Reed and I went to the water park for a while Sunday and he got a little bit of sun. So did I as a matter of fact. Brian met us there and we enjoyed the company.

I still have a million things to do. Wish I could get caught up. Still haven't got my bedroom put back together. Blah Blah Blah

I've come to understand

Heard no more, a tale told
full of sound and meaning nothing
I heard you speak the last syllable
with no compassion, blankness,
contradictions

I am walking in life's shadow
doing the best that I can
all the sadness it causes
and the weeping
so pathetic, so dismal
and does it not seem to you
soon we will be forgotten
scouring the alley for food
and this is what

I ask for more justice
and less charity.

Spanish 101

Donde esta el bano?

dohn-deh ehs-tah ehl bah-nyo?

Where is the restroom?

This is a good question to know, well..when you need to know.

I didn't care for you

Here's a follow up song for the people I thought were my friends.
Just need to let you know.

Who will buy my memories

Well, 5 days just flew by, just like that, whiz, did you see them. The last few days just sucked. I'm unmarried, spent Memorial weekend pretty much alone. My son was with his dad. It sucked because we have done something on this weekend for the last 20 years, you know you get accustomed to it.

To all my friends who said get a divorce, it will make you life better, you can all go to hell. The marriage sucked, sure, but as much as we ignored each other, it was more fun than sitting on your ass at home. Cleaning, doing laundry, mowing.

Let me fore warn you. Don't believe the bullshit from your married friends. "Oh we will still invite you over, we'll always be friends, you guys getting a divorce won't change our friendship" This is crap! Married couples like to hang out with other married couples. It's human nature.

Sure I made the choice, I accept that. Just think really hard before you decide. Yeah, you can be very alone in the marriage, but at least you have people to hang with, parties, laughing, grilling out, amusement parks, etc. Sure its fake. Now we get to take turns wondering what our son is doing on the holidays when he's with the other parent.

Let this song explain..

Nothing is as perfect as it seems

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." In the movie The Wizard of Oz, the Wizard doesn't want to reveil who he really is. He doesn't want to let people down, he doesn't want them to see his flaws, that he is just an ordinary man and so he hides behind the curtain. Well, I am going to open my curtain a bit, get a little brave and share a little fiction.

I love to write. Most things I write I have never let anybody read.

My mind spins out sentences all day. Those sentences form fictional stories. Some with conflict and tribulation, others full of anguish. Most are full of emotions, some are intense, some are loving. (Well, at least I think they are!) So occasionally I will write some fictional paragraphs. Warning, I am not a professional writer, I just pretend to be one on my blog.

Expect the unexpected.

Let me define the moment..

Party's over

You came to me
in printed wrappings
with curled ribbon
and pink icing

The candle went out
the party hat wrinkled
elastic snapped

You can sing me no songs

The same, but not..

I take the stand in District Court. I'm nervous, but that shot of Butterscotch schnapps took the edge off. I answer Yes, yes, that is true, yes, so many times I stopped listening to the questions. Sometimes, when my lawyer talks, in my mind it sounds like an old vinyl 45 record going really slow. Blah, blah blah, blah. The judge says something and I am transported back to real time.

The Judge signs the divorce decree. Thank you you may step down.

Later we sit next to each other at a boy scout function. He doesn't bring it up. Doesn't say much. "Did the pop machine take a dollar?" he says.

We walk out with our son. He says, "Your going to the graduation party aren't you?" "Yeah" I say.
"Wanna ride together in my car?" he asks. "Yeah, okay" I say. Our son talks all the way during the 15 minute drive.

We get to the party, everybody is glad to see us, "Glad you could make it!" We visit with others, make small talk about our son. Laugh, tell funny stories for about an hour. "Hey, what's new?" my best friend asks.

"Not much, we got a divorce today" I say. "Really, wow you would never know! You guys act just like you always do,..hey did you try the dessert?" she says and walks away.

We drive home, no one talks, just like we always do. He drops us off. We say "See ya later" to each other. He leaves. Nothing has changed, but it has.

The Carnival's in town!

The Carnival is in town! Oh, yes with those rides your not sure are going to stay bolted together when your in it. "Hey Lady come on, throw the darts and win a prize" the carnival guy yells at me. The lady at the ticket booth is missing her front teeth. My son and I get on the scrambler. He's 7. The greasy haired man with the cigarette hanging from his mouth buckles us in. Both of his hands together only have one handful of fingers. Reed looks at the guys missing fingers and looks at me with this strange look on his face. He looks back at the carnival guy and while making that motion of cutting your throat with your hand he says "If you see me do this, it means I'm going to throw up, so you better stop" Carnival guy tips his head back and lets out a laugh. Cigarette ashes fall between us on the seat, and he turns and walks away. I knew we were screwed. He started up the big orange scrambler. Shit, never tell them you might throw up, if you do it becomes a game. Around, and around we go, my son is doing the CUT, Cut, stop the ride motion. Carnival man smiles and puts his fingerlesss hand on the lever and cranks it up faster. "Hail Mary full of grace" I start to say. Oh yeah, we are the only riders too. Reed and I are both about to lose it when toothless Carnival Ticket booth lady walks up and says "Hey Eddie, your old lady want you" Eddie slows the ride down. He walks off and Toothless lady unbuckles us. We stumble off and out through the little metal door. We are both so dizzy we can barely walk. We made it, Oh thank you God! I think we will be okay. Reed's friend runs up and shoves a big greasy funnel cake under his nose.
"Wanna bite?" he says? Reed glances my way and all I can say is "Hail Mary..."

Vote for Me!

Go to thebestofblogs.com and vote for me!

Scroll down.
I am one of the choices for best new blog!

Imagine your at a parade right now. I'm in the red convertable smilin' and wavin'
Smilin' and wavin'

Thanks!

Las Vegas Information

Went to Vegas a couple weekends ago. Let me be your tour guide.
Hi! Welcome to Las Vegas.

You must eat the Buffet at the Winn.
Do not look at the price.
It is worth every bite.

See the show at the Mirage
Beetles Love.
Go to the late show. You can get better seats.

Dine at the Rum Jungle at Mandalay Bay.
Famous for the Largest Rum Selection.
Order the Rodizio @ $42.95 for dinner. That's for one.
Just write that down.
Take a risk.
You will NOT regret it.

Look Up

The sky is falling,
Blue pieces lie among the tulips
If I pick one up
And hold it to my eye
The world is simple.

Stars sparkle in the grass
I twist one into my hair
and run barefoot through
the sky.

When the sun shines down
Catch it
We'll toss it high
Where the sky once was.

Last Words

Feeling sorry
for the part of me
that doesn't fit
between notebook paper lines
guess the rest is in the margin
for all to punch holes in

when someone answers, "Well, you know,
and everything."
O yea,
"When ya ain't got nothin,'
Ya got nothin' to lose."
That's it.

Green Door

I remember my parents playing this song when I was around 7 years old. We used to dance in the living room, and my parents used to swing us around.
Isn't it great?

Learn a Spanish phrase 101

La cuenta, por favor?

lah-kwehn-tah, pohr fah-bohr?

May I have the check, please?

This phrase comes in handy if you are dining out in Mexico. Do not wait for the waiter to bring the bill to you. You have to ask for it.

Color my world

I wish I could clone myself so I would have more time to do all the things I need to complete. Painted the trim in my bedroom this weekend. Ok, not by myself. I had help. I was lucky my help stuck around, because he had to listen to me complain about... I didn't know what I was doing, didn't like what I was doing, didn't want to be doing WHAT I was doing! Actually, I began to strip the paint off the wood, but it didn't go too well. Painting has got to be one of the things I despise. As a child I was not allowed to paint, because I wouldn't do it right.(That's my mom's voice. Reread the sentence but talk with a mom voice, it sounds better.)
I get all pumped up to do it, and I paint for about 2 minutes. Then it's..Ok I'm done that's all I can handle. Let me say....Way to go! to anyone who paints for a living.
So now I have to decide on a room color. Would like a calm relaxing color. Can't be green. That's what it was. Any suggestions? But then, if your sleeping you can't really see the color anyway. Been trying to decide this since about Sept. of last year. Yes, that's how long this room painting project has gone on. That's when I officially starting taking off the wallpaper. Then life takes over and there's always a million things to do. So anyway..I promise to be better about writing on my blog. I know you like to read it. I'm glad your here! Well it's 3am and the laundry is done. Next my schedule says.. sleep. Nighty Night!

Something to think about

When we look back on this life, we see that when people are born, no one has thoughts of joy, sadness, bitterness, hatred. Once intelligence develops, we learn habits from others, and our own personal mental habits emerge. Our mind is turned into a monster because of self-importance. We argue, lose our temper, worry about useless things, repeat the same thoughts again and again. It is darkness to darkness in an endless cycle.

Red wagon ride on the wild side

Usually when my son asks me to go outside and play with him, I dread it. Playing catch is not my favorite thing to do. Well, probably because I suck at it and I spend most of the time chasing the ball, or maybe it's because I throw like a girl. Oh, now really does that surprise you?

So when he asked me after dinner to go out and play I did that grit your teeth but still smiling say sure I would love too thing. Only this time he had something else planned. "Pull me in the wagon around the block" he said boldly like he wore the pants in the family. So I did. The fourth side of the block has no sidewalk so we have to go down the street. He decided he wanted to steer while I ran and pushed him. So, I'm running, pushing and yelling turn, turn, watch out for the car. Our weenie dog is running along side barking at me because I'm yelling at him. He's trying to steer but we are laughing so hard, we barely make it back home. We get to the top of the driveway and he turns the wagon around and points it down the drive towards the street. Then he says "Get in!" I'm like...ME? "I'm not getting in!" He looks at me laughing and says "Its your turn" So, okay I get into the little red wagon. Now let me tell you I weigh all of 110 pounds, but it was a tight squeeze getting my butt in the wagon.

"Mom?" he says. "Yeah?" I answered. "You know that show Christmas Vacation when he is on that sled and it goes so fast that flames are coming out"..he's laughing, I'm laughing, "It's going to be like that" and he starts running and pushing me down the driveway. (For God's sake I haven't driven a wagon in oh, maybe 40 years) You know where this is going don't you? Well just as he gets me to the end of the driveway, a blue van comes around the corner and me and the little red wagon come shooting out from behind the neighbors truck. Yes, it was just like the show Christmas Vacation.

Now this is fun, forget that playing catch stuff!!
We both fell laughing into the grass. He looks up at me and says "You want to do it again?" I jumped up, ran to the wagon and said "Well Yeah! But your going to have to go faster than that!

Oh Crystal Ball..

"You'll be in the large conference room" she said, and pointed towards a room with a huge wooden table with plush chairs. Them on one side, us on the other. "We will not pay for the child's college, not his sports equipment, activity fees, or any lessons he participates in." "We refuse to pay for a membership to the Club,or the YMCA." my husbands lawyer exclaimed. "My client is only responsible for what the child support guidelines say he is to pay. (It is irrelevent that he is President of the bank and makes 4 times what his wife makes reading meters.) "A judge would never make my client pay that."

I sit in this room hearing words going back and forth, glance across the table at my husband and wonder who he is and who has he become. Why did I think he would give more than was required by law? He leans back in his chair, seemingly comfortable with the way his lawyer is handling everything.

"It makes no difference that your client and her son are accustomed to swimming at the pool at the club, that was a perk of being married to my client." his lawyer exclaimed. "That may have been her lifestyle before, but we are not going to pay for her to continue that lifestyle." I hear his voice speak. I only wanted help in paying for the membership so our son could continue to use the pool.

14 years before
"I love you, will you marry me? We will have a wonderful life together, and someday I may be President of the Bank and you will never have to want for anything...."

Time Away

Looks like I missed a couple days doesn't it. Well I was having a little fun shopping. Can't blame a girl for wanting a little time for herself now can you?

Reed spent the weekend with his dad. Chuck claims it was a "great time" but he would not want to tell me any different. Anything to make me feel bad for taking some time to myself. You know Reed is just an "Angel Child" when he is with his Dad, or so he wants me to believe. Just another way to make me feel inferior to him and his wonderful abilities.

Ouch, where did all that anger come from??

Deep Thought

All of us are watchers-
of television, of time clocks,
of traffic on the freeway-but
few are observers. Everyone is
looking, not many are seeing.

Peter M. Leschak

A bit of advice

He said to me,

"Tell them...You are nice good people, I just want you to understand it is not criticism. I am just explaining what I believe should happen in certain situations."

I replied, "What if they try to make me think it is criticism, when now I clearly understand it is not?"

With a serious look he replied, "Just leave them with their stuff, it's all you can do."

Merry-Go-Round

Do you ever wonder if you have to much stuff? You know, things just kinda everywhere? Papers that came home with your child, mail you open and stack up because you want to look at it again? Magazines, children's artwork, toys and books. (That reminds me I just uncovered a book I want to read. I put it on the pile of things to do tomorrow.)

I had new carpet installed last week, I love it! Problem is I had to take everything out of the living room, dining room, stairway, hallway. I carried all 17 piles of really important things and piled them into...oh, maybe 4 really big important thing piles. So here it is a week later, and I still do not have everything in its place.(Did it really have a place to begin with?)

Sometimes I get dizzy on my Merry-Go-Round. Take the laundry down stairs, see a case of Diet Coke that needs to go in the frig. Bring it upstairs, start putting it in the frig. and decide I would like one, so I attempt to get a glass and realize they are all in the dishwasher. So I begin to take the dishes out of the dishwasher. (The Diet Coke is now partially in and out of the frig.) I begin unloading the dishwasher, but there is a picture frame on the kitchen counter, so I take the frame into the dining room and begin putting my son's picture in it. I need to clean the glass in the frame with window cleaner, and I think well heck, while I have the window cleaner out, the bathroom mirror upstairs really needed cleaned. I clean the mirror, and find more laundry...Crap! If I hurry I can get it in the washer before it finishes..OH MY GOD...I'm back where I started and still nothing is done. You know what I mean??

That's why sometimes I don't blog for perhaps 3 or 4 days in a row. There are times it takes that long for the Merry-Go-Round to get me back to the computer! Whew!

Occasional Affirmation

When somebody's upset,
Remember...
It is not yours to fix.

He loves me, he loves me not

He loves me he loves me not

He loves me he loves me not

He loves me?
He loves me not?

Untitled

The candle flickers casting long
shadows of the empty flame upon my wall.
A lonely voice in a long still night.
No one hears, tears fall silent
wild abandon of my heart
object of my passion.

Stand

I want to dream away
where people stand
as individuals
and not hide
behind groups and causes.
fuck delicate egos
let followers fall
on their faces
let leaders stand
alone among the
bewildered masses
let the child be
who are we to say
bumbling idiots on
a fast road to the end.

All in a days work

I'm sorry but I have one thing to say to those of you who work indoors...TOO BAD.
Let me tell you, I may have to work in the wind, rain, snow reading meters for the Utilities, but I also get to see things and go places the majority of people never get to.

Today
1. I read the meters at a van down by the river. (only a small portion of you will understand..HA) Seriously, I walked along the river and read meters at homes and cabins. Saw a couple deer and wild turkeys. I get paid for doing this!
2. I know when Spring is here..I get to experience everybody's Spring flowers coming up.
3. I read the meters at a beautiful lake. If they are building new homes, I am always welcome to go take a tour.
4. Nobody watching over your shoulder, no women in the office arguing, just piece and quiet in the mornings.
5. Ever get to weigh yourself on the post office scale? Or the scale that weighs the grain trucks?
6. I know which restaurants to avoid, lots of times we need to go through the kitchen or into the basements to read the meters.

Yes, there are days I get soaked by rain. There are plenty of times I wish I could get dressed up to go to work.
But, nothing beats what I am able to see and do all with a day's pay.

Is a child's life really that care free?

Went with my son Reed after work to sign up for summer baseball. Was going for the 8am time slot so I can drop him off before I go to work. It was full. Not good. The situation got worse. The lady who signs them up was more than happy to announce that, his friend Matthew signed up with Brock. (They sign kids up in pairs now days so they can be assured they will be with their friend) His friend Jack signed up with Nic. Garrett signed up with Trevor. "Forget it, I don't want to play anymore" Reed exclaims, "All my friends already signed up with my friends!" "Nobody signed up with me!" The tears started flowing. A 7 year old is already exposed to the pain of being left out. So, I quietly sign him up for a different team, at a different park, at a different time. Which means I will have to drop him off at daycare and then they will transport him to the park at 9am. All the other kids will be able to have their parents drop them off.
Silently my tears begin.

Sometimes you wonder if your a good parent. How could I have made this different? Why didn't I get him signed up sooner. Did I not see the paper come home in the back pack? Why DID his FRIENDS sign up with other kids. Why didn't a Mom call me? Questions that will never get answered.

It is amazing how bad your heart can hurt for your child... How his pain becomes yours.

Simple World

Just a little girl
making mud pies
on a board
she found in the garage,
fishing in the street drain
with a paperclip
on a string.

Just a little girl
pushing her doll in a buggy
singing a church song
breathing the words.
skipping rope
with the girl next door.

Just a little girl
sitting on the porch
spitting sunflower seeds
trying to whistle
with her fingers
catching fireflies.

In yesterday's lace
wearing pigtails
tied with yarn
she chases
the last ray
of sunshine.

Hey You!

I love this video. It always gets me pumped up after a bad day!

Deviled eggs anyone?

Did the Easter egg hunt thing. We had 23 plastic eggs filled with goodies, and 11 real hard boiled eggs. (Number 12 was broken when I got the carton home, yes Mom I did lift the lid and they were all okay when I put them in the shopping cart!) We (I mean the Easter Bunny) hid them around the yard. Then when my son was hunting for them his father and I followed him around and his father video taped it. I suppose you will be able to hear me telling his father in that low, quiet, kinda pissed off voice, "We've been doing this for 7 years now and you still can't remember that the Easter Bunny doesn't hide the eggs any higher than him. So that means don't hide them on the tree branch,or in the mailbox or up on top of the slide!" (Trust me I will repeat this sentence again in my lifetime!)

You tend to do the same things your parents did traditionally, sometimes without thinking... As I was making Deviled Eggs for dinner I wondered if it really was a good idea to leave these hard boiled eggs out on display, in the basket on the kitchen table for say...4 days? I mean when I was a kid, after we dyed the eggs we just left them sit out to look at. Mom didn't put them back in the refrigerator..Hhhumm, I just assumed that was the way everybody did it, I mean we cooked them, so they should be fine....Right?

My favorite rope

When I was young, about 5 maybe 6 years old, I had a rope. It was one of those soft ones. It was about 6 feet long and I took it everywhere I went. Best part about it was my Dad tied a slip knot in it. I slipped that rope around everything..doorknob, toys, table legs, oven door, my neck..What? Yes I use to put this rope with the slip knot around my neck and drag the rope behind me. I'd go to the grocery store or to JCPenneys with my rope. (It was much like other kids and their blankie). My mom(strict as she was) had no problem with it. I remember being in my late 20's one day at JCPenneys and the older lady waiting on me said, "I remember when your Mom would bring you into the store and you always had that silly rope around your neck. We were always worried you were going to hang yourself on something!" I had to laugh! To me, it was just my rope, like your favorite doll or truck or blanket. It was just normal, now remember this was 40 years ago..nowadays they would have arrested my Mom for letting me drag it around. Strange as it sounds, I'm glad Mom let me do things like that..kinda like when we stood up in the front seat of the car when she was driving..
That's another story..

Start your engines!

I'm still recovering from the fun I had Monday night at the Boy Scout meeting! (Did I just say that?) Yes, I had fun! All the kids had to make "box cars". Ours was nothing special, you know just your average box, colored it a bit, put a number on it and some wheels. Well, let me tell you, some of these cars were amazing? One kid had a car that looked like a batmobile. I introduced myself to this child's parents, because I wanted to meet the parents that must have spent their every waking moment for a week constructing this amazing car. (Let me explain, these kids hold this box under their arms while running 3 laps around an imaginary race track in the church's gymnasium.) There was a sprint car and even a tank, best paint job on a box I have ever seen. Amazing!

I've got to tell you, it was a blast. The kids run heats (about 4 kids each). The parents are the pit crew. After the first lap you have to change his tires. This consisted of the two of us taking off our son's shoes and socks, turning the socks inside out and putting his socks and shoes back on. After lap 2 we had to give him a drink of water from a cup, needless to say his Dad poured most of it down the front of his shirt. (you know men, it's all about winning) and after lap 3 we had to spray the swimming goggles he was wearing with water and wipe them off. Then it was a race to the finish! It was so fun! Reed ended up in 3rd place, and had a great time!

In the Night

In the darkness she sits cross-legged on worn out carpet. She hears the clock in the kitchen going tick tock, tick tock. The refrigerator begins to hum and almost drowns out the ticking. The furnace kicks on and the dog jumps from his circular bed and run to the heat register and lies in front of it. Sleep has not come yet. The veins in her hand are quite noticeable as she types word after word on the keyboard. Light comes from the laptop screen and it's brightness allows her to see the keyboard. The furnace stops running, the refrigerator ends its hum and becomes quiet. She only hears the tick tock of the clock now, her mind wanders. It is far into the middle of the night and she wonders when sleep will come. A train whistle blows once and then again. The typing stops and she tucks her hands under her legs to warm them and stares at the whiteness of the computer screen. The nightlight shines bright in the hall. A small voice calls out "Mom where are you?" She stops typing and goes upstairs.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

That's where you'll find me.

I Can't

Left here on the shelf
you put me for safekeeping.
I sit here
always weeping.

Anger, pain, sorrow, rain

I burn with despair
Yes, I care
but now I can't
I won't
Sit here
dying, fading, crying.

Waiting for the fate
I can't
Love you or not
I go.

Walking down Memory Lane

Today, on my 45th birthday I reflect back. Birthday's of the past.

It was beautiful. Sort of a lime green, with a banana seat. It was a new bike. Of course at dinner last night there was discussion with my mother as to which birthday I received it on. "You got that for your 15th birthday" she said. "Mom, why would I get a bike at 15 when I would be driving at 16?" I said. "Well I have the pictures at home and I will show you I am right!" she exclaimed. "Okay" I succumbed to her. No point in arguing because you never win. It was the only bike I remember. It was my 10th, trust me.

My 16th birthday I had a party at the bowling center my parents owned. It was held in the lounge area in the middle of the afternoon. I decorated it and brought out my little stereo with black speakers. Invited 16 girlfriends. Lots of squealing and yelling like girls do. I remember some of my presents, I got alot of key chains. Do you remember the big plastic circle ones with the comments written on them? Saved a few. One had instructions on how to start a car. Plenty of stuffed animals. That was big, you have to remember this was 30 years ago. Nothing like how it is today.

My 19th birthday I bought a 1977 Jeep CJ5. Beautiful dark blue. Big tires, lots of Chrome. It was 5 years old. My first vehicle. Oh, you know me all too well. Yes, I still have it! It only has 66,000 miles on it. I am currently in the process of restoring it. The body rusted out, so I have a new body currently at the body shop. I have always wanted to put it in a car show. I remember paying $2,900 for it. Cash. Oh your seeing a trend huh, I am a saver...

My 21st birthday...I made a choice on this day, and I often wonder what path my life would have taken had I made a different choice. On this day I was given an engagement ring from a wonderful man. He lived in Pompano Beach Florida. We met the summer I turned 18. We dated long distance for 3 years. I flew to Florida and spent many summers with him. I went to his hometown in Wisconsin and met his whole family. (Even Grandma, who was very old and very Italian, who could only speak Italian, but made Lasagna you would die for.) It was a beautiful ring...I remember calling home. My parents asking me how I could even consider leaving my hometown and the family business. They promised the business to me again. They put me under their spell again, made me feel guilty for choosing anything but what they wanted. I remember telling him I could not accept it. I gave it back to him. (This was one thing I wasn't able to save) He was 8 years older than me and was not going to relocate to Nebraska, and I knew my place with him would be Florida. Regrets in my lifetime? This is it. I was in love with this man, and I regret the decision I made on that day.
My parents sold the business they had promised me, 17 years later.

The Revolving door lounge on my 22nd birthday. with a bunch of my friends, I sang Karaoke up on the stage. Don't be Cruel, by Elvis. Then they give you the cassette tape recording of it to take home. Yes, I still have it. Let me know if you want to hear it. This was a great birthday!

My 30th birthday, was a surprise party at my house. After being taken to the movie, I just wanted to come home. This is how it went. Opened the door, walked in, and lots of people I knew were standing around having cocktails in my dining room. I thought what the hell is going on? Nobody yelled surprise, nobody yelled Happy Birthday! It was strange. Whatever. Will never understand that one.

My 4oth I was in Puerta Vallerta with Chuck and our friends Susan and Nick. Too many marg's but oh so much fun. This was truly a relaxing vacation. Can some one bring me another Margarita please?

My 43rd birthday I saw Barry Manilow in Concert in Las Vegas. It wasn't exactly on my birthday, but it was in Celebration of my birthday. Brian had gotten prime seats on the stage ends. I danced with Barry Manilow. WOW! Won't ever forget it.

Happy 44th! was again spent in Las Vegas with Brian, who made all the arrangements. A terrific dinner, and oh the dessert. and tickets to see Rascal Flatts in concert. A very memorable birthday! I have enjoyed my birthdays spent with him. Thanks B!

Well I enjoyed reminiscing about my birthdays. Oh yeah, there were plenty more that were great, but these stuck out in my mind the most. Happy Birthday to me!

Eastbound

There is no sleep
only sounds of trains.

My mind running
dusk to dawn
eternity.

I drift along
betrayed by the breeze
and the wind.

My thoughts are gone
like a train
moving through,
moving through.

Some Days

I am spent
and my thoughts
still hang on yesterday.

Dodging water puddles
on the sidewalk
I'm restless all day long.

Apart I am
and alone much.
Outside myself I stand
looking back not in amazement
or sadness
I wonder how I came to be here.

You wouldn't like the beach today
the waves are too rough
and the shells are too few.

A Pigeon

A pigeon landed wearily on my windowsill today.
a cloud of feathers and dust,
a mass of flesh and bones.
He huddled himself and slept,
Framed by the rain and night,
His breast rose and fell softly,
One lame foot curled under him.
His feathers, ragged from years of wind and snow.
As I watched, he awoke, opening his eyes abruptly.
And there in the depth of those black pools
Was the agonizing pain of flying for hours in the harsh wind,
The clammy wetness of grass in the park,
The bitter taste of hard bread from the street,
The dulling agony of long cold winters.
So I opened my window to let him into the warm room
And he flew into the rain.

Do you see what I see?

Yikes, it was cold today. -30 degrees windchill, and school was cancelled. We still worked outside as usual, and here are a few things I saw today.

1. Scattered gray bird feathers along with the birds feet. Looks like a cat ate it.
2. The basement of the McDonalds restaurant. That's all I will say.
3. An old man chewing on a chicken bone at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
4. A Fireman
5. Beautiful flower arrangements at the florist.
6. A lost Lassie dog, who would not come to me.
7. A snow angel a child had made.
8. My breath
9. The underside of my work van as I hooked up the log chain to pull me from an unplowed road.
10.Little childrens arms as they reached to hug me at the daycare.

Another great day!

You find out who your friends are...

During this time in my life when my so called friends began to abandon me as the seperation and divorce caused me pain,I was reminded that my "friends" who don't talk to me anymore, who abandon me when I need them most, really weren't my friends anyway.

Forgive and Forget

Today
the last day of my
loving you is
at hand.

in hand,
a pen,
writing the last
poem about you
for you
to you.

my pain gone
as my love is.
winter is too intense
a season

to have
a single memory
of you.

And now
I ceremoniously dispose
of every object connected
with you
I need another u-haul.

I feel good
I am worthy.

I am worthy of my life an
all the good that is in it.
I am worthy of creativity,
sensitivity and appreciation.

And I thank you
for everything
that never would have been without
your disruptions.

Comfort begins to arrive

one thing I forgot:

after the
pain of parting
comes the
happiness of healing.

rediscovering
life, friends, self.

Joy

You hitched-hiked

You hitch-hiked your way
into my
strictly conservative life
and sprinkled a bit
of wanderer's dust

that you brushed
from your jacket
into my heart
and turned me against
the established things

a little wanderer's lust
gripped my soul
and unknowingly or
maybe not

you swung a bit of love
tied on a string
before my eyes
(like a tidbit before a dog)
I brushed aside the people
who tried to restrain
me
from snapping at the string

...just as
I readied myself
to leap
you pulled the string away
turned,
and walked
haughtily
towards the road again

...now that I
have regained
my fool's composure
and have begged
forgiveness
for my erotic behavior
I scold myself
for being so very childish.

but I still look
when I see a hitch-hiker
knowing it's the
only way
I may ever
see you again.

Strong and Independent

a new morning
of a
new life
without you.

so?

there will be others,
much finer
much mine-er.

and until then
there is me.

and because I treated
you
well,
I like me better.

also, the sun rises

A New Day Tuesday

I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the
Comfort
of your embrace.

I shall miss the
Loneliness
of waiting for your
calls that never came.

I shall miss the Joy
of your comings,
and Pain
of your goings.

and,
after a time,
I shall miss

missing
loving
you.

911 Whats your emergency?

Help me up my friend
dust me off
feed me your warmth
you are my comfort

let me lean on you
until I can again stand
alone
I will then stand taller
and you will be proud
to have a friend
such as I.

Limbo

my life has fallen down
around me before-
lots of times-
for lots of reasons-
usually other people.

and most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain and desolation
that followed.
and I survived
and I lived to Love again.

But This,
this slow erosion from below
or within
It's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
...but not really.
and you're out of that life
...but not quite

Emotional Injury

the layers I have put
around the pain of
your going are thin.

I walk softly through
life, adding thickness
each day.

a thought or a feeling
of you cracks the surface.

a call to you
shatters it all.

I spend that night in death

and spin the first
layer of life
with the sunrise

I will Survive

I found
in you
a home

Your departure
left me
a Shelterless Victim
of a Major Disaster

I called the Red Cross
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse

Your Pond

Sad as a song
our eyes meet
like looking in a pond and
seeing your own reflection
hurt me deception
a bit of the story
i get parts that are pleasing
keep the rest for yourself
how important am I
my believing heart is low
tears of disapointment
my love means what
when the moon is full
stars shine blurry
through my eyes
no more

Our

A breeze of love
Gentle is a heart
Why could you want to leave
Only when you can live
Another night believing
Was for us together
We never like every dream
And all the past will take my fire